Monthly Archives: May 2014

EVERY ROAD GOES SOMEWHERE

10157178_489263021196351_2842638908034932443_nLately I’ve been taking myself out for drives in the country and instead of taking the familiar roads I take the ones off to the side.   I started this on Sunday and went for a 4 hour trip to nowhere.  It was great.

Sunday was Mother’s Day and as usual I was feeling kind of down in the dumps.  Let me try to explain just exactly what was going on in my mind while my heart was breaking.  The day was stretching out ahead of me and I had no plans.  I was on my own and though I spend many days alone, and love it, I don’t like spending holidays that way.  I live alone and have for many years but holidays are brutal.  Unless you live alone and wake up in an empty house you might not be able to relate to this.

I have mixed feelings, first I know my kids love me, I spend a lot of time with them all year so it isn’t as though I’m neglected, I’m not.  I do believe that holidays are for family and know how hectic that can be.  I do understand that it’s hard to always incorporate everything into the day.  I don’t ever want my kids to consider me a duty call…never.  To be one hundred percent honest, though, I have to admit I would like to be acknowledged.  Doesn’t have to be on the day…better the day before though rather than the day after unless plans are made ahead of time.

The day…Mother’s Day was perfect for me except for one thing…it was Mother’s Day.  I went for a drive and had an incredible time.  Of course, it would have been nice if I had someone to go with but that isn’t the case so I took myself rather than stay home alone.  Now I could have gone to either one of my daughter’s homes that day,  I know that but I wanted to be invited.  I believe times have become too casual, if that’s the word.  The phrase, ‘you know you are always welcome’, doesn’t do it for me…maybe it’s my age.  I want to be invited.  I want to know that when someone spends time with me it’s for the right reasons and not because it’s an obligation.  I had a mother once and I wish every day that she was back her with me now even though I thought, many time, what a pain in the neck she could be.  How could I have known how much I would miss her when she passed.   Aside from the many times she told me.  Heck I thought she’s be with me forever so I had plenty of time to spend with her.  How could I have been so shortsighted?  Now all I want to say to my kids is, “You’ll miss me when I’m gone.”  Just like my Mom was always telling me.  Why don’t I you ask?  Because even though I laugh about it now I didn’t think it was so funny then.

The whole point is I have my life.  I love doing things on my own.  I don’t always want to do the things with the kids that they want to do.  I just want to have the option of saying, “Sorry I have other plans.”  Does that seems selfish?  Well wait until you are my age and answer that question.  I do not want to intrude on my kids lives I just want to be acknowledged.

Getting back to the title of this narrative….every road leads somewhere….the road I traveled Sunday led me to a very special awareness.  I want to be wanted, I want to be loved and I want to be honored.  Not revered but wanted.  It’s quite simple and I’m worth the trouble.  I really don’t think anyone can argue with that.

I have a great family, I love them with all my heart and would not trade them for the world.  The message I want them to get is whatever they do whatever they feel is fine but occasionally when we do whatever we want and whatever we feel people feel left out and have  feelings about some of it and that’s okay.  The love is there and the feelings pass.  So while every road leads somewhere there are always going to be bumps and curves…go with it and enjoy the journey.