THE JOURNEY FROM HOLE TO WHOLE

11924551_495898903911407_6379686982944724063_nThere have been times in my life when I have been so lonely I didn’t think I could go another day alone.  As you may imagine it led to some unhealthy relationships.  Day after day the phone would be quiet, everyone was somewhere with someone and having fun while I was all alone with no one.  At those times the despair ripped a hole in my heart that tore itself into my soul.  I thought I could never be whole again.

One day while I was sitting on the floor in the corner of my room, rocking and chanting ‘I don’t want to live.   suddenly out came the words, ‘I don’t want to live this way.”  Two  insignificant, little words that said so much.  ”This way,” I heard them but it didn’t sink in at that moment.  I was too focused on the ‘hole’.

Later that evening thoughts began to take form.  The only difference between Hole and Whole is a tiny letter…W…so I made a list of words beginning with W that would help me make the Hole Whole.

Wish

Want

Wonder

Wandering, willfully, through the wasteland of worry and want wielded woe.  So I wondered what wishing, wanting and willingness would wield.

From all that silliness came insight.

As I began to see  the loneliness I felt was that of an abandoned child I realized why.  It was true I was that abandoned child left behind by my adult self.  The whimsy the knowing that whatever I did I was marvelous.  To look at myself in the mirror and liked what I saw.  I looked deeply into my eyes and became my best friend that day.  No one knows what my needs are and not everyone will understand my feelings better than I.

At One With a Beautiful World

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A walk in the country

my friends all around

The rustlin’ of leaves

the only sound

I’ll come to a brook

where I’ll rest for spell

and know that on Earth

all is well.

 

I am one who believes in dreams,  they are a reality I go into with  my eyes closed.  Each night before I close my eyes I fill my head with happy thoughts and beautiful pictures I find on Face Book…yes I am a fan.

Here in this place of  Pickadream I post only happy things, there is no talk of politics, there is no judgement, there is love of…people, our beautiful world and of course. animals. 

I am inviting you to come with me on my journey into a happier place.   Along the way I will borrow things from other sites … only positive things. 

My promise to you is “There will be no conflict here, only beauty.”

EVERY ROAD GOES SOMEWHERE

10157178_489263021196351_2842638908034932443_nLately I’ve been taking myself out for drives in the country and instead of taking the familiar roads I take the ones off to the side.   I started this on Sunday and went for a 4 hour trip to nowhere.  It was great.

Sunday was Mother’s Day and as usual I was feeling kind of down in the dumps.  Let me try to explain just exactly what was going on in my mind while my heart was breaking.  The day was stretching out ahead of me and I had no plans.  I was on my own and though I spend many days alone, and love it, I don’t like spending holidays that way.  I live alone and have for many years but holidays are brutal.  Unless you live alone and wake up in an empty house you might not be able to relate to this.

I have mixed feelings, first I know my kids love me, I spend a lot of time with them all year so it isn’t as though I’m neglected, I’m not.  I do believe that holidays are for family and know how hectic that can be.  I do understand that it’s hard to always incorporate everything into the day.  I don’t ever want my kids to consider me a duty call…never.  To be one hundred percent honest, though, I have to admit I would like to be acknowledged.  Doesn’t have to be on the day…better the day before though rather than the day after unless plans are made ahead of time.

The day…Mother’s Day was perfect for me except for one thing…it was Mother’s Day.  I went for a drive and had an incredible time.  Of course, it would have been nice if I had someone to go with but that isn’t the case so I took myself rather than stay home alone.  Now I could have gone to either one of my daughter’s homes that day,  I know that but I wanted to be invited.  I believe times have become too casual, if that’s the word.  The phrase, ‘you know you are always welcome’, doesn’t do it for me…maybe it’s my age.  I want to be invited.  I want to know that when someone spends time with me it’s for the right reasons and not because it’s an obligation.  I had a mother once and I wish every day that she was back her with me now even though I thought, many time, what a pain in the neck she could be.  How could I have known how much I would miss her when she passed.   Aside from the many times she told me.  Heck I thought she’s be with me forever so I had plenty of time to spend with her.  How could I have been so shortsighted?  Now all I want to say to my kids is, “You’ll miss me when I’m gone.”  Just like my Mom was always telling me.  Why don’t I you ask?  Because even though I laugh about it now I didn’t think it was so funny then.

The whole point is I have my life.  I love doing things on my own.  I don’t always want to do the things with the kids that they want to do.  I just want to have the option of saying, “Sorry I have other plans.”  Does that seems selfish?  Well wait until you are my age and answer that question.  I do not want to intrude on my kids lives I just want to be acknowledged.

Getting back to the title of this narrative….every road leads somewhere….the road I traveled Sunday led me to a very special awareness.  I want to be wanted, I want to be loved and I want to be honored.  Not revered but wanted.  It’s quite simple and I’m worth the trouble.  I really don’t think anyone can argue with that.

I have a great family, I love them with all my heart and would not trade them for the world.  The message I want them to get is whatever they do whatever they feel is fine but occasionally when we do whatever we want and whatever we feel people feel left out and have  feelings about some of it and that’s okay.  The love is there and the feelings pass.  So while every road leads somewhere there are always going to be bumps and curves…go with it and enjoy the journey.

 

MEN ON PARADE

1512110_241626379331641_1164285863_o“Okay, okay I’ll be right there,  just give me two minutes to run a comb through my hair.  I hung the phone up and grabbed my pocketbook out of the file drawer.” 

Down was Jane’s office, workshop or warehouse, whatever she was calling it these days.  We planed a working lunch and as usual she had another one of her men for me to inspect.  My morning had been horrendous but one thing about terrible mornings..they never last beyond noon.  My viewing of Jane’s men did not hold much promise for a light cheerful lunch.

“Damn.”  A curse escaped my lips as I bumped my leg on the filing cabinet drawer that some blankety blank imbecile left open.  I blushed as I realized I was that imbecile.   “Oops, sorry,” I said to the Someone who is always watching whatever I do or say, thinking all the while how utterly foolish I feel because I’m actually embarrassed by my foul mouth, especially in His presence.

I had the elevator all to myself and a fleeting thought dashed through my mind that a cable would snap and though the stop at the bottom would be inevitable it would not be as smooth as I would like.

Jane was at her desk when I got there.  It was laid out as our dinner table at the moment.  I saw her before she saw me and not for the first time I sent a thank you up to the Power that is for sending her into my life all those years ago.  She looked up and smiled.

“Well you finally made it, I’m starved.  I sent out.  Salad and sandwiches, okay with you?”

“Late if it isn’t.”

“Don’t get flip, just say thanks for my trouble,” she said.

“Trouble, what trouble.  More than likely Harry went to get it,” I replied.

“Guilty as charged,” she grinned.

No sooner was I seated when she asked, “Well what do you think?”

“About what?” I asked, feigning ignorance.

“Not about what, about him, there across the room.”

I looked over to where she pointed.  Not bad.  Better than not bad as a matter of face.  I didn’t want to tell her that right away though.

“Why Jane he’s just just about perfect,” I said after taking a bite of my sandwich.  ”Just what I’ve been looking for.”

“Yeah, sure, when have I heard that before?  Oh right just about all the time,” she said as she took a bite out of her roast beef sandwich.  ”You’ll find something wrong, you always do.”  Not breaking her stride she asked, “How was your date last night?”

“Oh, the usual,” I answered. “Dinner, dancing and wrestling.”

“I didn’t know you liked wrestling.”

“I don’t,” I answered, “the wrestling came when he walked me to my door.  I won, he went home.”

I looked across the room.  ”That jacket hangs beautifully on him.  He’s in great condition.”

“Why don’t we skip over all of the BS and get to the part where his eyes are too close or maybe too far apart..no, no the one about ‘he has a discolored tooth’ that was the ultimate.  I just don’t trust you and I haven’t got all day for the games.  I’ve got to get back to work.”

“Bitchy, bitchy today.  Why don’t you get to the point and say what you really think.  Stop blasting me and eat your lunch, we only have half an hour,” I teased, affectionately.  I can always count on Jane not to mince words when it comes to setting me straight, especially in the man department.  ”And as for that spot on his tooth, it screamed for attention, if was all I could see.”

Jane got up.

“Where are you going?”

“To get more coffee, want some?” she asked.

“No.  If I have any more I’ll be climbing the walls.  I’ve got to get this work done or there’ll be no hope for the weekend off for me.”

While she was gone I sneaked another look at Jane’s man.  She caught me.

“Okay, let’s have it.  What are you thinking?”

“Well I like the color and style of his hair, can’t tell about his eyes because he’s too far away.  Are they blue or green?  I have a preference for green as you know.  I like his smile, looks a bit roguish.  Ummm.”

“This is encouraging.  I’m excited, things are looking up.  His eyes are brown.”

“Well he’s certainly tall enough and he’s got nice buns, fills out those jeans nicely.  He’ll look good on a bike.”

We sat there, silently, concentrating on our lunch for a few minutes.

“Are you going out with him again?’

“What?  What did you say?”

“I asked if you are going out with him again.  You know, the wrestler.”

“Oh, I don’t know.  He’s okay.  We don’t have much in common though.”

“Well you don’t have to like all the same things, that would be boring.  Can’t you bend a little?”

“I’m not going to get into a relationship with just anyone.  The fact that he breathes and moves around doesn’t make him Mr. Right, you know.  I have time, I’m not that desperate yet.”

“Close enough though.  You aren’t getting any younger and if you wait much longer you knight will be older that mold, wearing rust not armor and riding a wheelchair instead of a horse.  You know what your problem it?  Are you listening to me?”

“What do you think of his attitude?”

“Who’s attitude?  what the hell are you talking about?”

“Him.  His attitude,” I answered pointing across the room.

“Oh for God’s sake, you’re hopeless.  You know Gail sometimes I want to strangle you.  The only thing that stops me is best friends are hard to replace but I’m getting within spitting distance of giving up on you altogether.”

” I don’t see why you’re getting so huffy.  You just brought him around for me to get a look at, it’s not like you gave birth to him.  Besides I like the looks of him, I really do but Jane, You know I like my men to have personality too.  Looks aren’t everything.” I finished my salad and started cleaning up my mess.  ”I guess I will if he calls>”

“Will what?”  Jane asked.

“go out with him again, if he calls.  He isn’t all that bad, pretty nice, as a matter of fact, good dancer.  Now that I think of it I kind of liked his smile, his laugh is contagious too.  He might not have liked me, you know that is always a possibility.  He might not have seen me for the sweet and charming person I am.  What are you smiling at?”

“You.  You like him.  You’re crazy, you know but you’re all I have and I love you.  So what about this guy,” she gestured across the room, ” what’s the final word?”

“Yeah, he’ll do fine.  I like him, I like him a lot.  It’s a match.”

“Great. Hey Harry, do me a favor,” she called across the room, “take this male hunk of mannequin up to the sport’s department and put him in the display with the girl on the bike.  Do it now please, before Miss Fussy Britches finds a blemish on his cheek or something.  Thanks Harry.  I’ll be up in a minute to put on the finishes touches.”  She bent an gave me a kiss on the cheek and walked away mumbling something about crazy friends and mannequins with attitudes for heaven’s sake, what next.

For the second time today I lifted my eyes to the place where He is supposedly sitting and thanked Him again for Jane and asked if He’s not too busy would He please urge last night’s date to call me again.

 

 

 

 

OUR MOTHER IS SUFFERING

216918_10151071727569213_1049007614_nAs a great grandmother of twenty-five I am concerned  they won’t enjoy the beauty and health of our beautiful planet Earth.  Her bloodstream is filled with toxic chemicals, her surface is riddled with a cancerous growth and the introduction of industrial waste into her is increasing daily and is creating havoc to her system.  Her resources are becoming depleted and I don’t believe we are doing enough to heal her.

There have been programs initiated to control the pollution but as we move forward the situation is becoming worse.  I wonder if we had more respect for Her in years past.  Recycling is now a priority but are we trying to build a better mouse trap when the one we had many years ago worked?

When I was growing up our recycling process was working like a well oiled machine.  Empty a bottle (glass) of milk return it and reuse it.  More often than not shoppers made their own grocery totes out of grain bags, for that matter many of the dresses I wore were made out of the same grain bags.  There wasn’t much waste because we were basically frugal out of need.  Paper bags were used to cover school books, masks for children.  They were made by cutting holes for the eyes and drawing mouths and noses on them.  Plastic was only an idea and if ever there were leftovers we stored them in glass containers.

There are efforts taken to resolve the problem but I fear it isn’t enough.  Large chemical manufactures are not only polluting Her but us as well.  If we don’t take action soon it may be too late.  Heart Disease, Cancer and Obesity are named as the top health issues in the United States but I disagree.  I think Greed and the Love of Money is the true enemy that is threatening our lives and the life of our beautiful planet.

As an individual I can only share my opinion.  That’s what this is.  I do not buy anything plastic, I do not eat food created in a manufacturing plant and I’ve done away with toxic cleaning agents in my home.  There are many people of the same mind and it is my aim to reach them.

My favorite way to spend the day is outside with Nature and it is my mission to preserve it so my children’s children’ s children can enjoy the peace and serenity of a beautiful earth as I do.

HAVEN

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HAVEN

 

Come with me to the place where the unicorns graze,
where the sky is a sapphire blue.
Leave behind the darkness of yesterday
while I share this dream with you.

 

Come to the cool, clear bubbling spring,
made with tears of angels they say
but made with joy and laughter
and made while the angels play.

 

There are ruby poppies and emerald trees,
how they glitter in the sun.
The animals dance and play about,
come and join the fun.

 

Heal a lonely and broken heart,
always remember this day.
The world will be a brighter place
when you toss your worries away.

 

Ruby red poppies, emerald trees
birds, squirrels and butterflies
so many wonders I share this day
but most wondrous is the morning sunrise.

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WHAT I’VE BEEN UP TO

 

fantasy ocean1170955_210363142460118_1885852201_nThis has been a busy two and a half months for me and I have to tell you I’m excited.  I’ve partnered with a wonderful wellness company and began the journey to my better and healthier life.

Two years ago last October I was introduced to a brand new way of thinking and it has changed my life considerably.  To be honest I think I’ve always been on this path but had no road map to follow.  I was visiting my son in Tennessee when I ended up in the hospital.  Remember the big power outage we folks, in Connecticut, had that year?  Well midway through I flew to Tennessee.  I lost power early Saturday morning and flew out on Wednesday.  The combination of freezing for four days and flying did me in.  Diagnosis was dehydration which can be a serious problem for anyone but more complicated for someone my age.

The shift took place when I returned to my son’s home.  He gave me a book called Cruise Ship or Nursing Home co-authored by Dr.Ben Lerner.  I read it from cover to cover that same night.  I was hooked on changing my life.  I started the next day and have maintained it to this day.  Live and eat the way God intended.  The mission of Maximized Living is  based on the belief that God designed our bodies with the ability to heal itself, of disease, if not interfered with.  The more I looked into it the more convinced I became I had to change my lifestyle starting with what I put in my mouth  I found a Maximized Living Chiropractor, Pro Health Chiropractic in Manchester, and began my journey.  I began by eliminating all processed foods.  Once I realized what was being added to the food I wanted to throw everything out but being a World War 2 child I was taught people were starving and it would be a sin.  I came to the decision that I was not wasting it  because mostly what I was getting rid of was chemically altered.  What I now refer to as poison.  I can honestly tell you my health has never been better.  I was overweight by approximately fifty pounds and crippled to the point of being unable to even get myself up out of a  chair without the help of a crane.  I am now  three pounds shy of my BMI and have no symptoms of fibromyalgia and the arthritis is hardly noticeable.

This leads me to my present adventure.  Once I detoxed my body it  made sense to detox my home thus beginning my journey to look for better alternatives  to the poisonous products I was buying.   It is amazing what you will learn when you begin reading labels and researching ingredients that manufacturers are putting into our cleaning products and yes even our personal hygiene products. As I did with the processed foods I did with the poison cleaning products that I’ve used all my adult life.  Threw them in the trash and replaced them with child-safe and food-safe products.

I found a company that is based on the same principles as Maximized Living.  A company whose mission is “To Enhance the Lives of Those We Touch by Helping People Reach Their Goals”.

My ultimate goal with both this company and Maximized Living is to share what I’ve learned with everyone I meet…some will join me and some won’t but I’ll enjoy the friendships and my journey either way.